Let it Shine--- Psalm 21:13

Tonight was eye-opening. Sorry for starting close to every post with some variation of that statement but that's sort of how my summer has been going. It has been a constant onslaught of realizations about myself, God, my relationships and Christianity. It's AMAZING.

Okay, so onto tonight! This evening we got to enjoy an "International Dinner". Unfortunately, because they want to be able to keep this a surprise for future SDSP members, I cannot give you full details of what went on. What I can dish out however, is that it was extremely enlightening. One of the countries that I specifically got to focus on tonight was China. At first, i'll be honest, I was disappointed. My heart is for Europe and the countries there like Germany, France and Italy that are so terribly dead in their faith. It breaks my heart. Now, most people know that Chinese are known for being hard workers and doing well in school. We've definitely got that stereotype down, but that stereotype stems largely from truth.I won't delve into stories here, but there are quite a few about kids doing horrible things because they failed to meet expectations. For me though it was not until tonight as I was learning about china and thinking of the stories I've read and heard that that reality truly sunk in. Perfection is an idol for the Chinese. Suicide is one of the biggest problems in China, and the reason can often be traced back to a failure to meet the standards of perfection society and families have set up for people.

As all of that was racing through my mind tonight, I kept coming back to how blessed we are. Do people in the US struggle with the need to be perfect? Absolutely. In fact I go to a school where many people feel the need to have done something great with their lives by the time they've graduated, a school where people literally camp out in the library for days at a time, and a school where i have seen people in tears over getting a "B". So, when I think of China that's what I see. Kids who are asked to meet a standard that is unattainable and pay for it in countless ways. It's a predicament that is so incredibly out of the realm of my understanding. Even when I see it at my university it's hard for me to comprehend. Let me give you some background here: my parents are teachers. Trust me when I say I know what it feels like to feel the need to do well. But, on the other hand, my parents are also the people who, when I flip out over a bad grade in a class, tell me that there are bigger problems and that failing one class doesn't matter and that, in the end, school and grades are NOT WHAT IS IMPORTANT. Do you need to graduate to get a good job? yeah. it'd help. But in the end, as Christians we are called to something so much greater than worrying about grades.

 It breaks my heart to think that within the Chinese culture the idea of grace we hold so dear within Christianity is really an unheard of concept. The idea that regardless of what we do we are loved? Nope. That doesn't make sense. But then, I guess it is crazy isn't it? Christ calls us to a ridiculous love. It's nonsensical. Loving people who don't deserve it. Loving people who mock and ignore and curse us. Yet, when you know that love, there's nothing more you want others to experience.

And so, began my second thought explosion....   Isaiah 6:8
 If you know me at all you should know that travelling is something i'm passionate about. I cannot even begin to imagine a life with the inability to travel. TORTURE. There is so much to do, see and experience in this world. So many cultures to explore and stories to hear and people to meet. I've always known I loved travelling but it wasn't until a couple days ago when I realized how much I desire to help others get that same experience. I LOVE watching people experience something completely out of the realm of normalcy for them. It's simply incredible. hahah i'm smiling just thinking of it. I don't know how that's going to work into a career for me. I've kind of been assuming I might end up working with a tour company, or maybe a study/work/volunteer abroad organization. But this evening, I realized that regardless of where my passions take me I have one more unshakable passion that will always work it's way in. I want others to know the love i feel in Christ.

I am broken. I have been hurt. I have seen immense pain. I have experienced terrible situations. I have hated myself. I have hated others. But, more importantly, I have been loved

Loved in a way  that cannot be completely described other than to say it makes you want to sing to the God who created it. So, no matter what I end up doing, I pray that God will continue to work through me and allow me to be apart of others getting to know the love that takes care of everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79055I6o-NQ

Open the Eyes of my Heart Lord...

Part 1:
The past few days have been insane. God has been calling me out on stuff left and right. But more than anything He's been calling me to give it up to Him. What's "it"? EVERYTHING. My relationships, my worries, my family, and probably most apparent is my future and career. I'm such a planner and it's so hard to allow God to step in and take the reins. I'm stubborn and i love waiting until the last possible moment to admit I need help, and it's no different in my relationship with God. But over and over again this week God has made me so aware of his sovereignty and how much I need to let things go and allow His plan to take over. If God is love, and God is sovereign then God's sovereign will is going to stem from that love. Repeatedly in the past few days i've been convicted of how much I try to handle on my own and how little I trust god's ability to work things out for the best. Yet, in the end, there's no way around it. God knows what is best for us and regardless of how we drive our lives He will use our actions for his glory. Trust me when I say that believing God can take the worst situations and make them good is something i've struggled with just as much if not more than other people. But He does. Over and over God uses our mistakes for the glory of His name and though it may be hard there is no doubt in my mind that if I can just give up my worries to him He will do it again.

Isaiah 25:8

Part 2:
God is crazy. He has opened my eyes so much in the past few weeks. God works life out in ways I never would have thought of. I sort of stated this in my first post after getting here...but let me reiterate something. I am living in a condo with 11 other girls. Let me break this down a little further. Out of all the girls i'm living with....there is not one person who is all that similar to another. I can hear you saying "duh, of course you're not". NO. I mean we are different to the point that I came in thinking "oh my gosh i'm gonna go insane if I have to live with these people all summer". We are girls that might know each other casually at school but would never in a million years hang out on a regular basis. THESE are the girls I live with. But, here we are more crazy in love with one another than you can ever possibly imagine. We come from RADICALLY different backgrounds, from Christian homes, drug abuse, missionary families, alcoholism, and even abuse. We struggle with different things, we fear different things and we have completely different personalities based on our upbringings, yet, we are all best friends. These are the girls I hang out with on a regular basis. These are the girls that know my whole story. We have cried in front of each other, we have prayed with one another and we have laughed over unspeakable things together. The only way I can explain this is to say God is INCREDIBLE.

HOME.

First, an overdue update, then a little tribute to home.

Last week, we got the awesome opportunity to go to Mt. Soledad for a night of prayer. I'm on the prayer ministry team here, so I got to help run it. Basically we walked around the top (which happens to have a giant cross) and each direction we faced we prayed for something different. Campuses, Beach outreach, believers in other countries, missionaries, and San Diego itself. It was an awesome night of worship in the midst of God's incredible creation.

The other night we did a bonfire on the beach. There was supposed to be worship but we lack coordination. So the best we got was a spontaneous rendition of Amazing Grace. STILL pretty awesome=]

cheezin'

One of 18 gajillion jumping pictures.

It's funny, how here, in a city I've been to only once before I feel so close to home. Parents, I blame this on you. Today, as I got on the bus to go home a quiet, motherly, Hispanic woman sat down a few seats away and my stomach flipped. She reminded me so much of home. I started to think of the hundreds of people just like her that have entered my house. Of the heavy accents and quiet strength of mothers and fathers as they try out their battered English for the first time. Smiles that stayed on their faces as my mother hugged, laughed and loved more loudly than any other person they'd met here. It made me think of the faces of those women as they take in my mother's unstoppable joy when it comes to others. It made me think of the little kids my sisters and I would babysit growing up. Smiling faces running around that would giggle as we tried to repeat words in Spanish, Arabic or whatever other languages they may have spoken. Which reminded me of Claire and how much she loves to care for others. How good she is at playing mom and caretaker of small children and what an awesome mom she's going to make one day. And all of this of course, reminded me of Tess and her insane ability to speak Spanish and her passion for the people of south america and what a wonderful caring personality she has.

                        

But don't worry, I haven't forgotten my dad. I'm just reminded of him in an entirely different way. I think of him as I go to UCSD and see swarms of brilliant people. I think of my dad in college with a bedroom that consisted of just a mattress surrounded by piles of books. I think of my dad now. Not all that different, sitting in his office surrounded by hundreds of books (all of which he's read) and 18 boxes filled to the brim with papers and projects. This city is a few thousand miles a way from where I live and yet everywhere I look I feel completely content. Home came with me=]